Do men have a disadvantage in couples therapy?
Possibly, but for a different reason than they might think, according to this couples therapist based in Roanoke, Virginia.
When a couple comes to therapy together, they often both hope that the professional will take their side and help persuade their partner to see things their way. For this reason, when a straight couple hires a female couples therapist, the man is understandably likely to worry that she will take his partner’s side. After all, don’t women stick together?
In reality, a professional who has had strong training in assisting with relationships is not going to take sides. I am not a voting member in your relationship. It is my job to help you both gain a deeper understanding of what you want from each other and develop strategies for moving toward a shared vision for your future together. Couples therapy is not a space where someone wins and someone loses. Instead, you both get to be heard, to be freed up from old stuck patterns, and to learn new ways of doing things that ultimately feel better and get you better results.
Yet, it is true that men might be at a disadvantage. Why? Because women are almost twice as likely than men to receive mental health treatment. This means that in any straight couple, the woman is more likely to be comfortable and experienced attending counseling. The man is more likely to feel wary or unsure of how the process works. I regularly see this in my office in Roanoke, Virginia, or when I work with couples online from anywhere in Virginia. The man might need more time and support to feel comfortable participating in the process. However, once positive changes in the relationship begin to occur, it is usually very motivating and reinforcing to keep moving in this direction.
Men also tend to have less experience overall talking with others about their life struggles and emotions because it is less socially acceptable. From a young age, many people socialized female learn to focus on relationships, whether playing with dolls, playing house, or playing school. In this style of play, it is normal to talk about emotions, engage in cooperation, and empathize with each other. Those socialized male are more likely to engage in task-focused or competitive games, like playing with trucks, building things, or practicing sports. In this style of play, expressing emotions is discouraged, and suppressing them is rewarded. Winning is more important than giving positive attention to the relationship and interpersonal dynamics.
The good news is that actively participating and getting something out of couples counseling is a skill that can be learned by anyone, regardless of gender. You can learn to express yourself in a way that your partner can hear, and you will appreciate the experience of being listened to. With a good clinician to set the tone, you should have a sense of confidence that you are in a safe space for personal growth. Within a few sessions, I can help you to gain clarity regarding your personal goals and expectations, offer guidance on how to move forward, and gently hold you both accountable.
Your relationship is valuable! When seeking support, I highly recommend seeking out a licensed professional with specific training working with couples and relationships. Someone can be a great counselor and still have no idea how to work with a couple effectively. It is a completely different skill set than providing individual sessions. Make sure to choose a practitioner who specializes in couples counseling. Even in a small city like Roanoke, Virginia, there are a number of licensed therapists who specialize in treating couples.
I believe that anyone can learn healthy new relationship skills, regardless of gender. I believe this because I have personally seen it happen many times. I believe that you are capable of more than you know. I offer in person sessions in Roanoke, Virginia, as well as online sessions anywhere in Virginia. If you’re considering getting professional support to help with your relationship, I hope you’ll reach out to schedule a free consultation with me.