Kink and BDSM – Myths and Facts from a Sex Therapist in Roanoke, Virginia

What is kink? 

Kink is a big umbrella term that describes pretty much all non-traditional or unconventional sexual practices.  Kink includes things such as multi-partner sex (orgies, threesomes, swinging, cuckolding), fetishes, role-play, costumes, props, sex toys, sensation play, and BDSM.  Many people with kinky interests report that these interests developed at a young age and have been relatively unchanged over time. 

What is BDSM? 

BDSM stands for bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism (yes, the D and the S each stand for two things).  Those who practice BDSM might enjoy some, or all, of these elements.  Bondage refers to anything that restricts freedom of movement, such as handcuffs or rope.  Dominance and submission refer to a consensual pre-negotiated authority transfer, in which one person takes charge of another.  The dominant partner might give orders or instructions and direct the action of their encounter.  Often the submissive partner enjoys the experience of giving up control.  A sadist enjoys inflicting pain or intense sensation, which can be physical or emotional.  A masochist finds it exciting to accept pain or intense sensation.

Engaging in kink or BDSM with a partner (or multiple partners) can be referred to as play or playing.  Sometimes participants refer to having a “scene,” which means the activities and roles are carefully planned out in advance.

Some people incorporate elements of BDSM into a monogamous sex life.  This could be as simple as engaging in spanking or use of a blindfold.  Some people are part of a kink or BDSM community where they attend parties or events and play with others with whom they may or may not be romantically involved.  Sometimes kink and BDSM play is sexual, and other times there is no sex involved.

The opposite of kinky - Vanilla

A term often used for sexual practices that are the opposite of kinky is “vanilla.”  Vanilla sex describes mainstream or conventional sex.  This could include kissing, caressing, fondling, fingering, hand jobs, oral sex, and penetrative sex.  Just like there is nothing wrong with being kinky, there is nothing wrong with preferring vanilla sex!  It is a classic for a reason.

MYTH: Practicing kink and BDSM means someone is pathological or deviant.

There is HUGE stigma against kink and BDSM!  Many humans (even mental health professionals, unfortunately) believe that there is something wrong with someone who would enjoy being tied up or cross-dressing.  Kinky elements are often incorporated into movies or TV shows as a shorthand to show us how dangerous and deranged a particular character is.  Rarely are kink and BDSM portrayed in a positive light.

FACT:  There is NO evidence that those who practice kink and BDSM are abnormal or sick! 

In fact, kinky fantasies and kinky practices are popular and widely practiced.  Elements of kink and BDSM can be found in many cultures throughout history.  Humans are creative when it comes to eroticism, and this is one way that people express themselves!

Myth:  People are kinky because something terrible happened to them.

Fact:  Trauma is unfortunately quite common, and there doesn’t seem to be a link between being a trauma survivor and developing specific interests in kink and BDSM. 

There are lots of people into kink and BDSM who have not experienced trauma.  There are also lots of trauma survivors who have no interest in kink and BDSM.  Can trauma contribute to our erotic template?  Yes, all of our life experiences contribute to who we are as sexual beings.  Sometimes people eroticize a particular life event that they have experienced.  This is not inherently pathological.

What about consent?

Kink and BDSM do NOT describe practices that are non-consensual.  Non-consensual sexual behavior is a criminal act and should be treated as such.  Kink and BDSM, like all sexual activity, should ONLY occur between consenting adults. 

It is important that those engaging in BDSM use some type of system to communicate ongoing consent and check in regularly.  The “stoplight” system is popular.  Green means all is well, yellow means communication is needed, and red means all activity must stop immediately.  Some people agree upon a “safe word” that can be used if someone wants to call things off.  Failure to respect a safe word is a consent violation.

What about safety?

Some kinky practices pose a safety risk.  It is important for people practicing kink to learn skills from reputable sources and take important safety precautions.  For example, when playing with hot wax, it is critical to have an understanding of a safe hot temperature that causes intense sensation versus a temperature that is too hot and can cause burns. 

Consenting adults engage in many activities in life that come with risk (such as riding a horse, swimming in the ocean, and driving a car).  We all have the right to weigh risks and benefits and make an informed decision about the activities we enjoy engaging in.  Some members of the kink community use terms like SSC (Safe, Sane, and Consensual) and RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink) to describe their commitment to balancing risk and safety.

Mainstream versus fringe

In many areas of life, a person can be more or less mainstream (in line with popular culture).  For example, if you have mainstream taste in music, you might be able to turn on the radio and hear songs you love!  If your taste runs more obscure, you might prefer finding rare B-sides available only on vinyl.  The advantage of having more mainstream taste is that it can be easier to connect with people who share your interests.  If you love football, you probably won’t have too much trouble finding people to talk to about the big game. 

It can feel more isolating to have less mainstream taste, and you may have to look a little harder to make connections, but it can be really exciting when you find someone who shares your interests.   Like many interests that are outside the mainstream, it can be hard to connect with like-minded people in smaller locations (like Roanoke, Virginia).  The internet can be helpful for those with alternative interests to feel more connected and less isolated.

Why do people like kink and BDSM?

When it comes to eroticism, some people love the forbidden or taboo.  Exploring something you have been told is unacceptable can be exciting and freeing.

Kink and BDSM can be very playful.  Some people love dressing up and using props and toys and lots of imagination to create an elaborate scene.  Some people find practicing kink and BDSM to be an escape from everyday life, entering a flow state in which they feel focused and fully present.

Some people love exploring pain or intense sensation as part of sex.  Why?  Well, most of us have the best sex when we feel alive to our senses.  Some people crave more intensity than others.  Here are some examples from everyday life where people crave and enjoy intense sensation.  Do you like spicy food?  If so, you might like pushing your limits, finding the hottest, spiciest level you can enjoy without it being too much.  Have you ever eased into a bath so hot it is almost at your level of tolerance?  Do you like the rush of riding a roller-coaster?  These are examples of enjoying intense sensation, things that might help you to feel awake and alive.  Whether or not you personally prefer intense sensation in your sex life, you can understand how some might find it enjoyable.

Does it matter why you like what you like?

It is common to spend time speculating and wondering where a kink came from.  Some can point to a defining moment or origin story.  Others have no idea.  I would argue that it doesn’t necessarily matter.  If an interest is healthy and okay, we don’t usually feel the need to deeply examine where it came from.  For example, I have never heard someone question at length why they enjoy pizza so much.  You like what you like, and that’s okay!

Can you get rid of a kink or fetish?

Generally, no.  It’s hard for most humans to fundamentally change their erotic template.  That being said, if they feel that range of interests is too narrow, and this is causing challenges, sometimes the range can be expanded upon. 

Sex therapy for kink and BDSM in Roanoke, Virginia

Despite interest in kink and BDSM being completely healthy and normal, sometimes it can be isolating to have interests that aren’t exactly mainstream.  For some people, it can be helpful to connect with a therapist who is well informed about kink and BDSM to be able to talk through thoughts and feelings.  Your sexual identity is a big part of your overall identity.  You deserve a safe space where you can learn about yourself more deeply in order to live your life more fully as your authentic self.

If you are interested in sex therapy in person in Roanoke, Virginia, or online anywhere in the state of Virginia, please contact me to schedule a free consultation.